Welcome to the diary of a mother of an Anorexic child...

I am the invisible. I am the silent labour. I am the person quietly tidying up the destruction behind that child in her Eating Disorder video on YouTube. I am guilty. I am scared. I am nervous. I am frustrated. i am angry. I am understanding. I am the brain filled book of all that is ED.  I created an absolutely amazingly clever, talented, beautiful and funny teenage girl who is 15 and currently really poorly, suffering from Anorexia nervosa.

Who am I?

I am you. I am a woman who is caring for a daughter with a very serious issue, while trying to hold up a job, relationships, and other children whilst trying not to fall to pieces on a daily basis. You are obviously here because you wanted help or any kind of info at all as you either suspect or know that your child has an eating disorder.

I have been you. I already knew about eating disorders as I battled myself as a teenager, and wrote a dissertation on Eating Disorders and the Media in my last year as a mature student at uni last year. But I'll tell you what I didnt know. What the hell to do when my daughter began her journey through the depths of her own eating disorder. I googled the lot. I ordered books and sat and read them page by page...how the bloody hell can I help my daughter be rid of this demon illness. They all helped me in no way whatsoever.

My daughter was referred to CAMHS (Childrens and Adolescent Mental Health Service) A UK NHS services, and their staff could never answer my endless questions. After my daughter had a few paediatric hospital stays and I was finally invited to meet other mothers going through the same thing I jumped at it, but the meetings are far and few between. I am simply a mother who is going to note down a sort of blog or diary in the hope that other parents may read this and maybe realise they feel the same, or maybe it will just feel good to know there is someone going through a similar situation? I don't know yet. I will have a bash and see.... also there is a guest book to leave your comments, and different forums which I will attempt to add when I can. Also my email address is added under contacts and i would be over the moon to talk to anyone as this helps me too.

A brief oversight into how this eating disorder crept up...

I must first give a condensed version of what has happened to my family up to this point before I begin my first blog...

My daughter (who I call Chloe in my blogs) was always a brilliant kid. Always being daft, making people laugh and having fun really. She was always academically  very clever, and was placed into a gifted and talented group when she began high school at the age of twelve. She never answered me back or behaved badly she was just a great kid. She seemed the same when she began high school and made loads of new friends and life drifted on until Christmas 2011. I must mention that my daughter is a complete tomboy. She doesnt bother with make up, scrapes her hair back into a ponytail, and despising 'girl' things choosing to wear baggy tracksuits daily. So when she was dancing and her top came up and I saw bones I quickly frog marched her to the GP, who wasn't worried at all that she was presently 34 kg at 5ft tall and a BMI of 15!!??

I had a long talk with my daughter about missing meals, nutrition, etc and she denied any type of eating disorder. Then she started eating...loads. I actually thought wow, nice one, and praised the hell out of her. From January until June 2012 I was busy. I am a single mother, was working and doing the final year of a degree so feel I maybe helped her eating disorder no end by not being on the ball. She gained weight but was still stick thin but because I stopped her from eating at families houses for tea as much, and made her eat at home, she seemed happy and her normal self and eating really well. 

In June 2012 I took the kids to Turkey for a weeks holiday. We shared a massive villa with my friends and their children. The toilet adjoining her bedroom and my 2 small childrens bedroom smelled horrid the whole time so I let them use mine instead, and use that only for a wee in the night. I never did get what that smell was while I was there. The day after we returned home I took the kids to a chinese buffet restaurant and she filled her plate and disappeared to the toilet each time she ate a plate (as this was a buffet restaurant she could eat as much as she wanted). I sneakily followed her the third time and locked in a cubicle, when everyone went and it got quiet, she silently began vomiting into the toilet. I filled up with tears when I heard it, and even quietly got on the floor to see  her actually do it and then screamed my bloody head off and we had it out in the car park. 

At that point Chloe promised never to do it again, admitted she had a problem and promised she would come with me to get help. We were referred by my GP to CAMHS but were not actually seen until three months after this occasion. Maybe other people have good impressions of CAMHS but mine were they neither helped nor made things worse. They offered a 2 weekly weigh in and obs with a psychiatrist, and weekly cognitive therapy sessions with a mental health nurse. Chloe ignored them entirely, preferring to stare at the clock for the entire hour sessions. from September to October her weight rapidly decreased and as she was now vomiting everything she was made to eat, this was dangerous and knocked all her bloods out. Her weight dropped to 39 kg and her potassium went down really low as well as her blood pressure and heart rate and she was admitted onto a paediatric ward and put on an IV to replenish her lost potassium. I was visited by CAMHS who were pressing for her to be admitted to an eating disorder unit, but after 2 weeks Chloe,(who is the chief manipulator now the demon anorexia holds her captive) talked the head consultant of the eating disorder unit to discharge her instead!!

I was bloody furious! And low and behold two months later in December she was admitted back to the ward for replenishment of her potassium and was transferred 2 days after Christmas day into an eating disorder unit, where she resides now.

May I say that the worst thing about this eating disorder is how my daughter is not my daughter anymore. She regularly spits venom at me, says she hates me, blames me for her being in the unit and refuses to see me sometimes. That hurts. 

I will start my blog entry from today...9th January 2013. If anyone reading wishes to contact me please please do. I need as much support as you lot do!!

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mother of an anorexic...

bexicle32@btinternet.com