First blog!!!
Hi u poor downtrodden people,
Not impressed today. Chloe has been in the ED unit two weeks now. Doctor rang me yesterday and said she has lost another kilo and is now 36kg. That is 5st 9lb as I find it. Plus her potassium is low and shes denying vomiting. Whats new there mate??
Her dad went to see her last night as I had the little ones and he had a moan at the nurses as to what they are actually going to do to stop her vomiting which they replied...its early days. I suppose it is. Im just worried and panicking. She is at a scary weight and they simply monitor her for 30 minutes after meals. I wouldnt mind but she looked the doctor in the eye a while ago and said look, I can vomit all my meal up hours later so whats the point? Point made.
I am knackered. i have no energy whatsoever and feel ill every day. I worked all over xmas whilst doing housework, dealing with the kids, whilst running to and from the hospital and nearly bursting out crying at every opportunity. Even after simply hearing a song in the queue in Tesco garage. I have had to have this week off work as I am just so bloody low, crying and panic and worrying over Chloe and all the rushing over xmas that I am exhausted.
The doctor from the ED unit rang me this afternoon. I told her I dont know if Chloe is better or worse off in their care than she was at home and she started chatting about discharge!? I have arranged a meeting with her next week on my day off. I was that worried about them sending her home so poorly at such a low weight with low potassium and other abnormal bloods that I rang her doctor at CAMHS. Got upset on the phone like I always do. She reassured me they will not discharge her as she is so unwell. Why does the bloody left never know what the right is doing??? They all speak to me like im stupid and dont understand this disorder and leave me frustrated and explaining exactly how her disorder does work every time leaving them with nothing to say.
So yep. Thats the news from today. Im going to visit Chloe for the first time since Sunday tonight so we shall see how that goes. Chloe is only allowed visitors certain nights so it has been really hard to deal with not seeing her. I will admit that everytime I get to her bedroom door in the ED unit that I stop. Take a deep breath. Pause. Then go in. You never know what you are going to get. This aint not Forrest Gump box of sugary goodness though. Your talking demon tackle. Horns bursting through the scalp, grunts, arms extend to the floor while her back stoops and she procedes to drag these ape arms while she walks. Its not always like that, just nearly 80% of the time.
Apparently I should think myself lucky, Chloe says 'Linsey doesnt let her mum see her full stop for the last two months' apparently. Well thats me told, should think myself lucky i should that I am allowed to grace myself with her presence at all!
Thing is, and this is something that I feel like crap for admitting. But since going from the normal Paed ward to this ED unit, I can breath slightly. I felt probably half the burden fall from my poor back when she went in. I feel glad that I am retricted to minimal visiting sometimes because this last 12 month have been so bloody awful i just crave at least a days break.
I have begun reading a hell of a lot in my very small receation breaks in this life I have noticed just recently. I am that consumed by this eating disorder I needed an outlet, no not an outlet, an invite into another world. Someone elses life. To lose myself in something that has nothing to do with eating, food, weight loss, pottassium levels, forticip or hospitals, so I read. I read and read and read and it really helps. Im get lost in the book, im gone, I'm there wondering what the hell Lady Chatterley will do with that tree and the gardener when...beep beep. My phone goes. A text. I know its Chloe, but opening that text means being dragged to the depths of despair in that split second while I give in and succumb to opening the message...it read 'hate u. why pt me in er thy hate me n u dnt care. dnt cum 2dy, or ne ova dy'.... Nah Constance, I now couldnt care what you do with Oliver up against that tree anymore, my daughter hates me and doesnt ever want to see me again. Well give me the pen, ill sign on the dotted line and join the bad mothers club. I will happily join! Because I need a BREAKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKK!!!!!! And if that makes me a terrible mother then so bloody what!