Hya you lot,
I went to visit chloe for all of 1 and a half hours last night and she was not in a good mood. I knew because the doctor had been in touch earlier in the week that I had to bring up the fact that we all knew that she was vomiting every snack and meal up as it showed in her bloods and wasnt looking forward to it. Everytime I get on her back about how serious this illness is, or ask how we can start from somewhere like just keeping one meal a day down she goes blank and is dertermined not to speak. This was no different.
The thing is my daughter has starved her body so much that apparently she is now in the 'red zone' as they told me today in terms not only of her eating disorder but how underweight they categorise her as. And obviously her poor brain is that starved that to her she is stuck in this vicious cycle. She has to eat because they threaten her with a nasal gastric tube if she doesnt so she eats-feels utterly depressed because she has eaten-vomits because she feels so down-feels guilty because she has vomited- has to eat another meal in an extremely low mood- vomits this meal too. And it goes on. And on. And on.
I realise that for Aleyah to really come to terms with this disorder she needs nutrition inside her to feed her brain so that she can understand and rationalise so that she can be involved in her own care, but at the moment she is so extremely lifeless in her mood, I really see no way up at the moment.
We had a heart to heart last night and she told me she wanted to be dead. Nothing will ever be good for her and she wants to die as she cannot stop starving and purging. I told her we need to make a plan my dear to at least not vomit one meal. Pick one meal you are gonna fight your bloody hardest not to throw up. She sobbed quietly and ignored me for around an hour. I told her the way she feels right now is not something that is glued to her and how she will always feel and that just enough nutrition can make her change the way she views this whole situation.
I hugged her and told her the ribs beneath my fingers really made me sad. I got upset and I told her I felt she was slipping away and that I didnt want her to leave me. She seemed sad at this, took a few moments to compose herself and told me she wanted to try tomorrow. I said try what? Do you mean not purging one meal? And she said no, I want to try them all.
We went to visit one of her mental health nurses and informed her of Chloes wish and I told them she would need lots of support for this. When she had gone, the nurse and the dietician told me that they will support Chloe but feel that as she is losing so much weight she may need monitoring after meals for longer, and told to stay in communal areas inbetween school(on the ward school that is) and mealtimes and of course bed. Im just scared that she will find it so hard she will end up being supervised 24/7 and her mood will definately take a turn for the worst. But what is the other option? She needs nutrition, to feed her body and brain before she can begin to get better, but wont give herself the nutrition!!!!!! Ahhhhh, bloody hell. I dont know. Drives me mental trying to constantly find different angles to come at this eating disorder from. And believe me I have tryed a lot.
Im not going to visit her today as they dont allow it because they have Thursday activities. I just hope she really goes for it today. i told her the main thing is its not about failing, you can only try. I said play it meal to meal not day to day. And if you slip up, brush yourself off, DO NOT feel guilty, and say 'I will do my best tomorrow'. And thats all anyone can ask.