weekend visits

14/01/2013 15:29

Hya again. Sorry I only got to write today I havent had chance to fart never mind write a blog haaa.

I was told on friday that Chloe was now allowed to have morning snack, lunch and afternoon snack at home on Saturday and Sunday. That meant I could pick her up from the unit at 10:30am and have her back in time for her evening meal at 4:45pm. Saturday went well. I picked her up, we spent time at home for a while, me, my two younger children and her all had beans on toast together and she had fruit and ice cream for after. I had to supervise her after the meal for 30 minutes as they have decided at the unit but I do it longer, plus I allow her a tiolet break after 45 min supervision because to be fair I just dont trust her yet. Then she was allowed to go and see friends for a couple of hours which went well. 

On Sunday her father picked her up and dropped her off with me and she sat watching TV till lunch, I made her a sandwich, fruit and 2 yoghurts and she seemed fine. I completed my regimented supervision watch and imagined I was vinegar tits from prisoner Cell Block H to the best of my ability and we were ok, having a laugh. Then, she said she had made some arrangements to see her friend the day before but these arrangements were not set in stone as i heard it. I drover her to her friends house and she wasnt in. Had gone out with her dad her mum said. She gets back in the car and well, all hell broke loose. She snapped and changed straight away. Well if I have to come home again I may as well be back in the hospital. I want to go back. I said well its your dads turn to take you today so I will have to ask him. She went silent and wouldnt speak to me. She stormed to her room and sat behind her door and would not let me in. I asked her why it was my fault that her friend had gone out but she said go away. 

Her dad turned up to take her back so I ran upstairs and said your dads here are you ready and she was ust sat on her bed sobbing her poor little heart out. She was absolutely devastated that her friend hadnt been in when she had gone and took it personally and felt rejected. 

Days earlier this particular friend of Chloes had knocked on my door really worried asking after my daughter so I explained to Chloe that there was no way, had she known you were coming at that time that she would not of gone out. And I know she would't of. I hugged Chloe and she came to and we decided to have a walk around the shops to distract her for a while.

You know, sometimes I have these heart to hearts with my daughter and its like shes not listening. She is. For every cross word, or silent treatment she gives me, she really does hear me and I think she actually finally, properly let me comfort her yesterday. And EVEN sent me an I love you, night mum text!

That cheered me up a bit. But to be fair I really found out how shot my nerves were today. You just plough on dont you and get on with everything and dont realise what its doing to you until the stress starts to leak out. Insomnia, panic attacks, fatigue. I had this training at work today and because we had group work my nerves were shot to pieces. And I have to do it all again tomorrow. I wanted to scream look you ignorant b*****ds, No, I actually dont care to place a bloody blindfold round my head and act the clown as a way of learning about communication. When I am actually dying a bit inside as my daughter is at this exact moment in a hospital. I think most of the time= woman! Who are you actually kidding trying to hold this job down while sorting two small children, the house, and caring and worrying every minute about my daughter who is realy sick in hospital. But you have to carry on dont you. who else will if I dont?


Bex X